Monthly Archives: February 2016

Meet the Panelists: Dr. Verda Bradley

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Photo verdabradley.jpegDr. Verda Bradley Ph.D, LCSW, is licensed by the American Board Of Clinical Social Workers, she is a board certified diplomat and CEO of the Bradley-Glen Behavioral Health Association. We are thankful to have her expert advice and insight for men and women who want to improve their communication with one another.
Why is positive communication between men and women important to you personally? Communication is the essence of living in this world. Positive communication strengthens my values, my faith  and gives insight into my behavior. I learn through communing. Positive feedback can provide an accurate perception of one’s personal reality.  Men and women are fundamentally different.  We are not only biologically different but there are psychological differences as well. I have daughters and watching them play as children was interesting and different from my grandsons play.  The rules were set up differently and the consequences of  breaking those rules also differed. Generally men are solution driven while many women like to discuss feelings.  When there is a problem men like a resolution but sometimes women just want to revisit the issue one more time.
How can men and women communicate better in dating and married relationships? By expressing their wants, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way that is respectful to each person. Dr. Theodor Reik suggests in ” Listening with the Third Ear” that we listen to the other person attempting to get our own needs met but we must also try to meet the needs of other person as much as possible; listening and negotiating so that the other person wants to choose to cooperate because they too are getting something out of the interaction.
How can women and men communicate better in work place/business interactions? Each person needs to make requests in a way that is respectful, providing priorities and clear goals to be achieved.
What hinders positive communication? Do you think people say what they really mean most of the time or do they say what they believe the other wants to hear? Often, our communication style is similar to messages we received when growing up. If we grew up surrounded by people who communicated in a passive/ aggressive style, that is how  we learned to deal with messages.  Many people need to learn how to say no or yes in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship while acting in accordance with personal values and morals.
Read the interviews with our other panelists here and join us March 5 at Emmanuel HM Turner Church in Los Angeles for Are You Hearing Me? Am I Hearing You? See all the details, RSVP, and invite your friends and family here.

 

Meet the Panelists: Rev. Dr. Charles Lee-Johnson

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As we prepare for our upcoming panel discussion on March 5, we want to feature our panelists. Today, we meet Rev. Dr. Charles Lee-Johnson.

Dr. Charles Lee Johnson is the pastor of Corona Community Church. He is also CEO of the National Family Life and Education Center which provides local, national and international consultation and training services. Dr. Johnson is unequivocally committed to positive development of young people, families and communities across the world. We are honored to have him as a panelist for “Are You Hearing Me? Am I Hearing You?”

Pic of Charles 5Why is positive communication between men and women important to you personally?
Families are the manufacturing agencies in which people are produced.  When the manufacturing agency is broken, it produces a broken product, and Broken families produce broken people.  While many people focus on repairing families by seeking to fix individuals, and others seek to address social issues that are impacting families, history is a clear teacher that healthy communication is the glue that holds families together.  I was blessed to have a wonderful mother, but I had a father whose alcoholism and crack cocaine abuse prevented him from being involved in my rearing.  Even after he recovered, my biological father lacked the ability to effectively and positively communicate with my mother, which led to his being absent in my life.  I decided very early in my life, to work on being a great communicator, in an effort to prevent the latter phases of my life from being as broken as the former.  The cycle of pain that could have engulfed my marriage and children has been broken, because of the early and conscious decision I made to be a good communicator.

How can men and women communicate better in dating and married relationships?
Most people are very egocentric, in the fact that we believe everyone communicates the way we do.  This ignores the fact that there are a plethora of communication styles, and most of our personal communication styles were developed in our respective families.  In other words, the culture of our families dictates our communication style.  Those who seek to have healthy relationships must be intentional in understanding the family context and communication style of their partner.  Failure to understand a partner’s family of origin, childhood rearing, or communication style, will prohibit true intimacy in any relationship.  Communication requires hard work by both parties to seek first to understand, then to be understood.

How can women and men communicate better in work place/business interactions?
Respect is key, if there is to be positive communication between men and women in the workplace.  Men must approach women from a position of humility, honor, grace, kindness, and fairness.  Women must approach men from a position of humility, gentleness, sensitivity, and understanding.  Men and Women bring unique gifts and perspectives to the workplace, and knowing how to effectively work together through positive communication can lead to growth and prosperity for the company and its employees.

In your work; i.e., counseling or coaching others, What percentage of the problems between men and women stem from miscommunication?

Nearly 90% of the issues that couples bring to me as a counselor and Pastor are rooted in unhealthy communication habits.  While most couples come to counseling seeking an immediate remedy for their presenting issue, I always try to get couples to address the larger communication issues that exist within their relationship; which are, quite often, driving the very behavior within their significant other that they abhor.  This requires spending significant time understanding the childhood experiences of their partner, which are always the primary influence on our communication styles.  Couples who are patient and courageous enough to take this journey, experience an intimacy that allows them to overcome nearly any adversity.

Read the interviews with our other panelists here and join us March 5 at Emmanuel HM Turner Church in Los Angeles for Are You Hearing Me? Am I Hearing You? See all the details, RSVP, and invite your friends and family here.

Meet the Panelists: Rev. Kirkpatrick Tyler

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As we gear up for our panel discussion on March 5, we are featuring our panelists. Today, we meet Rev. Kirkpatrick Tyler.

IMG_5397Rev. Tyler is the founder and executive director of the Fig Tree Development Group, which provides training, capacity building, and asset development services for nonprofits, small businesses, and religious institutions.

Why is positive communication between men and women important to you personally? I am a firm believer that communication is the most powerful weapon or tool that we have. The most dangerous position to be in is one where neither side is communicating. It is so critical for men and women because it is the only way we can ever gain understanding between two groups that are so often misunderstood by one another.

How can men and women communicate better in dating and married relationships? There are five things I always teach that are critical points of communication in relationships; that they should be:
  1. Safe – Meaning that each party is able and willing to hear and say what is truly on their heart and mind. Each party must be able to share without fear and hear without judgement. Both parties must feel safe in the idea that they can share freely without the other getting offended, jumping to judgment or walking away.
  2. Open – Often we say we want a spouse or partner who will share everything and be completely honest (The Best Friend Syndrome) When, if we are honest with ourselves, most of us really want our partner’s communication to fit perfectly inside of our comfort zone and frame of who we believe they are or want them to be. In reality both parties would have to practice a higher level of maturity and responsibility towards one another to create an open line of communication. If we want our partners to communicate the same way they do with friends we have to create that same environment for one another.
  3. Honest – Honesty will never exist fruitfully without the presence of openness and safety. But if we can be honest with one another it opens up a whole new level of understanding. Now honesty does not start with being honest with the other person. It actually begins with us being honest with ourselves,i.e., What are my intentions? What am I really feeling? Am I truly asking and saying what is real? Is this as important as I’m making it?)
  4. Respectful – No matter what has to be said or heard each person deserves respect and when we uphold our respect each other we can hear and speak more clearly. When we relinquish our respect we are no longer operating in a space of safe communication.
  5. Be willing to have the tough conversations – Sometimes our communication is poor because we are not willing to talk about the things that make us uncomfortable or hear things that do not fit our mold, frame and expectation. Because we are not willing to have the tough conversations, we only experience our partners on a very surface level; not just our romantic partners but anyone we find ourselves in relationship with.

How can women and men communicate better in work place/business interactions? I believe positive business communication is rooted in mutual respect value and recognition of each others gifts and talents.

What hinders positive communication? Do you think people say what they really mean most of the time or do they say what they believe the other wants to hear?  I think it is often a poisonous mix of both and so in critical situations it makes it impossible to communicate with any level of clarity. I also think we are hindered by our need or perceived obligation,to respond. We usually feel we must immediately comment rather than listen, digest and engage in genuine dialogue.

Do you think males hear differently than females? How so? Yes, I believe we hear from a different place and this does not always fall along gender lines. In most relationships we are often hearing from an emotional perspective, a logical perspective and or a biological perspective, (Heart, Head, Body). This is ever changing and evolving depending upon the situation, and each partner may switch roles at any time. When we can identify and respect our own as well as our partners perspective we can communicate clearly even though we are hearing differently.

When you say “I’m gonna hang out with the guys tonight.” What do you really mean? What do you think the wife or girlfriend hears? I need some time away from this type of relational interaction to go to a place where I can express myself in a way that is very gender specific.

In your work; i.e., counseling or coaching others, What percentage of the problems between men and women stem from miscommunication? ALL OF THEM Communication is the key to success in any relationship.

What do you want participants to take away from your presentation? I hope participants walk away with the willingness to challenge how they communicate with themselves and with others; not to adopt my ideas but to honestly and openly engage and challenge their own.

What would you consider to be the long term effects of better communication between couples; Between co-workers and business associates? How will this change impact families and community? I believe the long term effects are a deeper appreciation for each other, clearer and more deeply rooted relationships. In some cases you may see the need to end some relationships because your practice could reveal that its not the right relationship for you; whether romantic, social, business or other. Finally, I believe improved communication is the key to us working together to liberate our people.

Join Rev. Tyler and our other incredible panelists Saturday March 5,2016 for Are You Hearing Me? Am I Hearing You? 

Meet the Panelists: Kiana Shaw, Life Coach

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As we gear up for our panel discussion on March 5, we will be featuring interviews with our four panelists.

kianaKiana Shaw is a master life coach and two-time best-selling author. She is the founder and CEO of LeadHERship Academy, a virtual community for parents to connect and share tips to help them communicate with their teens. Today, she talks with us about communication between men and women.

How can men and women communicate better in dating and married relationships? By opening their mouths and being honest and open upfront. My boyfriend said to me one day, “no one says, hi, my name is… and I am crazy as hell”. So I immediately said, “Hi, my name is Kiana and I am crazy as hell and I want you to love me anyway!”. Holding in our communication because we are afraid of being viewed as insecure is detrimental to our relationships. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, because people love authentic people and no one likes a person who changes up after we have let them into our lives.

How can women and men communicate better in work place/business interactions? Women need to be less emotional in work and business. Men are problem solvers so they think logically and that can come off hard and rude, so they need to be aware of this and adjust.

What hinders positive communication? Lies. Fear. Anger

Do you think people say what they really mean most of the time or do they say what they believe the other wants to hear? I think it depends on who they are speaking with. Most of us don’t feel free to be open or ourselves with most people. We save it for the people we are closest to who will hold our truths in confidence. When we are in a relationship, we have to be willing to allow the other person to share with us without judgment.

Do you think males hear differently than females? How so? Of course! Men hear mentally. Women hear emotionally. It is how we are wired.

When a man tells his wife/girlfriend, “I’m gonna hang out with the guys tonight.” What do you hear? What do you think most women hear? That depends on their history and how secure she is within that relationship. Let me be clear, not being secure in your relationship is not a direct correlation to being an insecure woman. Now that that is straight, let me say this: If a man has lied to his woman, cheated on her or given her a reason to doubt him, “I’m gonna hang out with the guys tonight” is translated into, “I may or may not be out doing something you would leave me for if you knew about it.” If she has never had a reason to doubt him, she hears, “I’m gonna hang out with the guys tonight.”

What do you want participants to take away from your presentation? I want them to take away ways to communicate and have healthy and productive relationships.

What would you consider to be the long-term effects of better communication between couples? Joyful marriages.

What about between co-workers and business associates? Productive partnerships.

How will this change impact families and community? They will be examples to the people watching and following them.

 

Join Kiana for our Panel Discussion: Are You Hearing Me? Am I Hearing You? On Saturday, March 5 at Emmanuel HM Turner AME Church in Los Angeles. See all the details, RSVP, and invite your friends here.